‘Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.’ – Kevyn Aucoin
Today I choose to feel life, joy, happiness, negativity, pain, and the freedom to make choices and mistakes, and learn from them. I was tidying up in the basement, going through happy memories, and also remembering my younger brothers birthday. I choose to embrace my humanity, and hopefully share the light with others. While tidying up I came across this cute photograph of my girls and their doggie in her kennel that she had chewed to pieces! Such innocence and joy! I also came across a short story that I had written for a magazine competition…meant just as much today as it did ten years ago!
‘Learning from memories
From big house to small house, from small house to bug house…we are moving AGAIN! We never seem to be happy with what we have, first there is too much space, the upkeep is too expensive. Then there is not enough space, we are living claustrophobic lives on top of each other with no room for individual growth. Hopefully this will be the last move for a while. This packing is becoming tedious, so much so that I haven’t even unpacked everything from the last move!
Oh my word, I have long forgotten these buried photos in the bottom of the box. What a beautiful picture, three smiling children in their Sunday best. In the black and white photo you can just see the innocence and youth, radiant cheeks, imagine blonde sun-brushed curls, smiling dimples. Me in the middle, the little laat-lammetjie, flagged by my big brothers on either side. Just imaging if we had any idea where life would lead us!
Here I am now, all grown up with children of my own. I can’t help but sink back into those memories of old. We had such amazing times together, carefree holidays on the beach, soaking up the African sun with the warm scent of summer blossoms, and suncream; water skiing on choppy rivers, covered from top to toe in goosebumps from the ice-cold wind brushing our faces; catching tadpoles from the dam with the earthy-scented mud squelching through our toes; taming pet spiders to walk on our arms with their cold hairy feet; camping in the rain, listening to the wind howling outside and wondering when we would be blown away in our tent like a plastic packet; sleeping under the stars of the Milky Way feeling so tiny in the enormous universe. When did life become so serious? I can feel tears rolling down my cheeks, a well of emotion rises within me. Where did life disappear to?
Each step of the way is a choice laid before us on the path of life. No matter what, each of our choices has a consequence. Some are good, some are not, but each one is to gain experience and wisdom in living our lives. Who would have thought that at the age of 32, when life is just truly beginning that I would be the only sibling left of three? Never for a single moment did I imagine growing old without my closest family. (I did learn not to make fun of anyone, no matter what, all those years of underhand comments to my husband on being an only child have come back to bite me, who was I to judge? He had no choice in the matter of siblings!)
At 37 my older brother could no longer bear the consequences of the choices that he and others had made for his life, and chose to end it with a gunshot to the head. So final, so messy, so sad. A family left behind. Answers to seed. If only I had known, would I have reminded him of the past we shared, and the future we could forge together with a link that had been ordained by God? Let him know that no problems and consequences are too big to solve? Let him know that no matter what, he is loved? That sins are forgiven if we truly seek repentance?
Not two years later, at precisely the same age, my younger brother was found dead, gone to sleep never to awake, removed from this fragile life by God, to heal his broken heart from a broken brother, broken family, broken life. I can only imagine the grief and sorrow of my aged parents each time they pass that photo on their bookshelf. All those questions as to why? Why? Why? I realise in my selfish ways that each little communication with them is weighted with importance. Each phone call, each text, each email, each letter, each visit. They tell me how kind and caring I am. I feel guilty, as I only remember to phone when life is not too busy. I try to imaging what it would be like if it were my children and I am overcome with sorrow. The thing is with extended families, there is no obligation to remain in touch, I no longer know the sister- in-laws who were once my best friends, we have cousins lost and grandchildren who do not know the fun times experienced in our youth. Maybe they will question those things as they grow up, and make better choices, realising that family is a connection that cannot be broken, no matter what, and that we have all been uniquely chosen to play an important role in this life with many varied and special talents, each to his own, and all interwoven. Not to be judged, but to fulfill a glorious role in the big scheme of things.
I am awoken from my wondering thoughts by my girls laughing in the background. Here we are, five years later, I have at least past the dreaded age of 37. Who would have thought that an age would weigh so heavily on all around me. As I look through the box of photos, a beautiful coloured photo of my smiling innocent girls catches my eye. I say a silent prayer that the choices they make are not weighed down by earthly things, nor of the burdens of the past, but they may be truly blessed to be alive each and every day. Their positive future is alive in the photograph, just waiting to be lived.
I am sure that this will be a good move. I am feeling more settled, even though we have not yet moved. I can’t wait for these photos to be on display permanently, as a reminder what a miracle it is to witness each beautiful sunrise of a new day, feeling the first warmth and light of hopes and dreams, and at the magnificent sunset of each day we can reflect on the choices made and use our wisdom to live a positive future, learning from our past’
